Tis the Season....

For new fall/winter fashion that is!!  This is my favorite time of year, in fact I've been wearing my fall knee high boots since August in anticipation!  This year it is all about the mid-ankle length pleated/flowy skirts, a pop of color, cable knitt sweaters, booties, capes, dresses, etc.  My impression is understated formal meets boho simplicity.  Keeping the mix and match style tucked away in exchange for solids prints.  Solid textiles certainly don't have to be boring, in fact using brightly colored tights, skirts, pants, shirts, jackets, scarves mixed with a more muted  pallet will certainly be eye catching and bring some life to the winter months. 

Something I have never experimented with, but might take a stab at this year, is wearing white.  The old taboo style guidelines have all but become obsolete (ie. no white after labor day, black and brown don't mix).  With the evolution of fashion and mold breakers such as Khaleda  Rajab, Alexander McQueen, Anna Sui, Betsey Johnson, etc. and creativity such as Lady Gaga, anything goes.  I like the idea of "winter white" to play up the beauty of the colder months.  It no longer has to be labeled an off limits color!

As we know, major fashion is born on the catwalks of Europe before trickling down to the streets of America.  Here are average women on the streets of one of the most fashionable, beautiful, and undoubtedly unique cities in the world.... Paris.    

In the Calm of the Storm

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"-Eleanor Roosevelt

Like many things in life, this is easier said than done.  Or is it? So many times we get caught up in the drama and purely unnecessary "fluff" that swirls around us like a tornado and we allow the wind to beat us down.  If we are hit it will hurt physically, but the pain will fade.  If someone we assume is smarter, more beautiful, skinnier, with better hair, etc. looks  in your direction quizzically, the internal army goes to war against our already fragile self-confidence shield.  Those holes may never be repaired and we'll never know that the look had nothing to do with us, but perhaps the curiosity of an unpleasant odor produced by a nearby eatery.  Why do we allow such self negativity?  The things we tell ourself can be so atrocious that we wouldn't say them aloud to our worst enemy.

I believe my self-negativity came from a young age when I was told I was certain things.  Or I should say, not certain things.  While I was also told positive things about myself, I couldn't get the image of what I'm not out of my head.  It completely overshadowed any positive light that tried to seep in.  The world is full of negativity and not everyone takes it in so completely.  It was the moment I believed I truly was that negative thing they told me I was, that I became it.  From there it was an intricate system of dark roots that had been planted inside my brain and grew to taint each area it touched.

27 years later I was introduced to something that changed my world.  No one can take your power.  Inside all of us is the power of control over every choice we make.  While I had allowed that choice to be swayed by the negative roots firmly wrapped around my brain and the wants of others, it was still there.  Deep down I had a choice and no one could take that away from me.  No one could take that power and make me feel bad about myself.  Only I could could do that.  With this information in hand, I had a new choice.  To allow the dark, twisty roots to grow or to let them bloom.  I chose flowers.  There are still things I want to work on within myself both mentally and physically, but I'm secure in who I am as a person.  We all have the choice.   

"Always act like you're wearing an invisible crown"-Author unknown

A journey of a 1000miles Starts with a single step

One of the biggest points of relapse prevention that was drilled into our heads is keeping a schedule.  I thought I knew what that meant and I thought I was doing just that.  I've recently come to the realization that I have been so far off base!  My dad got me a beautiful Louis Vuitton day planner and for the last 19months I've been filling it with plans that other people invite me to.  Many weeks, I have a hard time finding anything to write in it or add things after the fact.  This past week I finally got it through my head that I needed to get back to the gym so this was my first week.  It was through this and planning out my gym days that I realized how much I had left my schedule to other people.  There were rarely things of my choosing!  I don't mean that I didn't want to do any of the things I have been doing, but instead I waited around for people to invite me to do things.  I've always been this way, but I hadn't realized how left out my own thoughts were.  I think I know what I want and what is best for me.  So why mold my life to what everyone else is doing?  Perhaps it's time for others to realize that I have things going on as well.  I'm determined to make a schedule and stick to it!!

I went to the gym 3 times this past week which I think was a good start for me.  I was trying to weasel my way out of it yesterday and my dad did exactly what I asked him to, and he didn't allow me.  I really appreciated it and when I got to the gym I worked harder than I had the entire week.  I felt so good about myself and accomplished.  Even though I needed a little pushing, I was proud that I followed through on something and did it well.  I'm also trying to have more resolve on my food choices.  It's not that I necessarily make bad food decisions all the time, but it's the quantity.  I am the classic boredom eater!! I was watching an interview with a local fitness trainer who is doing an interesting experiment.  He's been personal training for a long time and always been in shape.  Client's always said to him, "you don't know what it's like {to be overweight}" and they were right.  He decided to find out.  He's on a mission to stop working out and gain weight, then once he is at a certain weight, he will start the journey to get fit again.  Something really interesting is that he said now he craves soda, sweets, carbs, and all the unhealthy things that he never did before.  It's encouraging to me that perhaps when I start eating healthier and feeling better that maybe I'll loose my craving for the unhealthier things.  The exercise is hard, but the food addictions is what really stunts the process.

I'm just going to keep moving along and do my best to keep my motivation.  I have every reason in the world to follow through with this goal!

Wrapped in a Bow

I think Disney can be partly to blame and the romantical ending line of "and they lived happily ever after" for my current predicament.  As girls we are bombarded with fairy tale princesses and their happy endings, but what happens when the girls grows up and there is no fairy godmother?

From the outside, we must have seemed like a great family.  The successful, outgoing father, the tall beautiful mother, the gorgeous maticulate home, the family vacations.... Inside the doors was a slightly different world.  All I ever wanted was the type of close knit family that I saw on TV and even in my friend's homes.  We would sit down as a family at 6:30pm every night and have an extremely nice meal that my mom had prepared and when it was done, we would scatter to our own sanctuaries. 

Now as a single, 28-year-old woman, I have divorced parents, a mother and brother who don't wish to be part of my life because I opted to not pick sides, a steady girlfriend for my dad, a dog, and just over 1 1/2yrs of sobriety.  Not exactly the Cleavers, but it works.  Deep down I still crave the fictional family I've cultivated in my head and every so often it bubbles over.  I'm not sure how to deal with a need that doesn't exist in my reality.  

When I was in treatment for my alcoholism, my dad put his life on hold in order to save mine and  for that I am eternally grateful.  I've always considered myself sort of a "lone wolf" so to speak.  I like having my own space, not having to answer to anyone, and basically having things how I want them.  That is certainly part of my personality, but maybe I was molded into that because there was never anyone around.  During treatment I discovered just how much I loved waking up and having coffee with the girls before the gym, all sitting down and eating together, and even though we were all strangers thrown together for the vast majority of the days, we were a multi-aged, humorous, highly dysfunctional, group of addicts and we were family.

I've always thought I was good with change, but I'm learning and accepting that I'm not.  I cling to ideas and things that I love and struggle to let that go.  The people I was once so close with in treatment have all relapsed or moved on with their lives.  I've moved on with my life as well, but with my abandonment issues, it feels like another loss.  My dad is busy with work, travel, new family, and as a father, he feels that by helping me with things/providing he is showing his love.  Which he is, but without a mother I feel really alone.  It's not fair to ask, but how can I get everything I need from two parents from just one?  No matter how old we get, we still need family.

Labor Day Weekend

I didn't really have any big plans for the 3 day weekend, but it turned out being a really great weekend! Saturday I journeyed up to Swiss days in Midway, Utah with my friend, her fiance, and his daughter.  We had never been so it was quite the experience!  There were so many people and booths that it was nearly impossible to see everything in one day.  There were some really fun booths and I found some fun things for my house.  It was so nice to be out of the city and the air just seems fresher up there!

Sunday I spent the afternoon with my dad in Park City.  We took the Tesla for a little joy ride in the canyon, had some lunch, walked around both PC, the Canyons, and the Outlets before heading home.  It was another really nice day to be outside and besides some of the questionable driving maneuvers, it was fun to be with my dad.

(*ROOT BEER*)

Today I met up with my other really good friend and we went to Tai Pan trading and looked at all of their fun Halloween decorations.   We are both really excited for fall and love Halloween.  After we went to Gardner Village which has always been one of my favorite places.  Only in Utah can an ex-polygamist   farm be transformed into such a quaint shopping area! lol they don't have their Halloween decorations up yet, but it was still a lot of fun to go through everything and have some lunch at Archibald's.  

In between all of the fun stuff, I was able to get a lot of cleaning done around my house.  While I love organization in my work life, I have to really fight my tendencies to be messy at home.  For Christmas I've asked my dad to help me get new bedroom furniture so I really want to clean and purge my belongings now to get ready.  I've been searching for a fun unique bedding which I found this weekend. I'm so excited to start putting everything together.  Interior design is such a passion of mine!!

Dreams, Movies, & Heat Stroke

I was really excited at the prospect of dinner and miniature golfing Friday night, but the latter plans were postponed until further notice.  Growing up I was taught about the importance and courtesy of being on time.  Throughout life I've always been around people who don't share the same principals in that respect and while it can be annoying, it wasn't a huge deal.  I was having some wardrobe issues and running late to meet the family for dinner and I had a full blown anxiety attack over being late!  I was literally shaking and my heart was beating a million miles.  I didn't know my courtesy of timeliness had morphed into something so much more.  It was such an awful feeling and I was flabbergasted that something that intense was brought on by timeliness!!  I need to figure out how to deal with that better in the future.  Or just never be late! lol

Friday night I ended up having a pretty intense drinking dream.  For me, these types of dreams always involve me taking my first drink after an extended length of sobriety.  I woke up with an intense feeling of guilt and the involuntary desire for a glass of wine.  I'm a huge believer in intuition and things happening for a reason.  As I was wading through the aftermath of a relapse dream, my cell rang and on the other end was one of my best friends inviting me to breakfast.  She's busy allot so I don't see her a ton.  The fact that she called at that moment was a true gift from my higher power.  I met up with my other best friend a little later Saturday for a movie.  These two girls are the most amazing, special, women that anyone could ever know.  I am truly blessed to call them friends.

I went to the meeting with my friend Sunday morning.  He's pretty much comatose on the meds, but that is better than the alternative.  Hopefully the right combination will make things more manageable and he will be able to hold strong.  I dropped him off at his house after and his mom wanted to chat with me.  She was so excited to see me which was unexpected.  I'd never really had much interaction with her.  She thanked me for going to the meeting with him.  I think she knows that I'm the only stable person that he's hung out with in a long time.  Perhaps ever.  It makes me feel bad because I know that I will still be holding my boundary with him.

At home, my air conditioning has been struggling and Sunday it decided to throw in the white towel.  There was nowhere to find relief from the sweltering heat!  The open windows and doors simply mixed the hotter air with the slightly cooler air inside and the 2 ceiling fans swirled them together creating a nice sweat lodge affect. Poor Zoe could barely do anything without stopping to lay down.  At 10:15pm the house was still a sweltering 85 degrees!!!  At my dad's suggestion, I packed up the pup and went to have a sleepover at Casa De Crane.  Zoe and I reveled in the coolness of the basement room that had been her first home.  It was actually really nice being there.  In a way, it felt like home.  It was so nice to wake up and talk to dad for a few minuets before he left for the gym and have some coffee.  Zoe's spending the day there and I'll go pick her up on my way home from work.  It will be nice for her to have a change of scenery. She also loves it at Grandpa's House!!  

           Zoe w/Grandpa the day I brought her home

A Helping Hand

I received an email from a friend this morning and I'm slightly torn about it.  Although we are in contact through email, I've had to keep a solid boundary with him which excludes personal contact.  I think he has a good heart, but he can't or won't conquer his addiction.  He's been in and out of jail and rehab for the last 6-7yrs and yet I think he feels that he knows best.  Everytime he gets out of one of these places, he doesn't change his environment which ultimately leads him back into his drug of choice.  As an alcoholic myself, I understand the complete consumption of addiction and the need to slip away from your reality. As a recovering alcoholic, I understand the unbalanced tightrope that can be walked between the two worlds.

I just passed my 18mo sobriety date and I am honestly and completely grateful for my second chance.  Since my stay in rehab, I've often thought about becoming an addiction counselor or something in that field to help others the way I was helped.  I wouldn't even know where to begin or if I would be any good though.  I can't express how badly I want to give other addicts, my fellow rehabers, what I have now.  It breaks my heart to watch people go back out.  Out of all the people I got to know personally and all the people I saw briefly during my stay in treatment, only 5 (including me) have made it to a year and 1 has passed away. 

Life isn't perfect. Abstaining from something that mentally brought me such comfort and companionship and ultimately destruction, didn't make all my problems go away.  In fact, every issue that drove me to drink is still there, but I meet them in battle head on.  My friend asked me to take him to a meeting this Sunday.  I don't want him to think that I've changed my mind about hanging out with him, but I can't deny someone asking for help.  That may sound incredibly insensitive to not want to hang out with someone who's having problems, after all, being around someone sober could really help him.  Every addict must make a pivotal choice when looking at the road to recovery....Am I willing to lose the most important thing to me in order to be sober?  For me, that was friendships. I had to go through incredible loneliness as the result of protecting my sobriety.  I walked away from people that I truly believed at the time were my friends.  I didn't know what a true friend was until I shed everything to my core and still had two people standing by me. 

I personally haven't been to a meeting in a long time, but I will take him and hope he finds something there.  It is such an accepting community and no matter how many times you make your mistakes, you will always be welcomed back.