"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"-Eleanor Roosevelt
Like many things in life, this is easier said than done. Or is it? So many times we get caught up in the drama and purely unnecessary "fluff" that swirls around us like a tornado and we allow the wind to beat us down. If we are hit it will hurt physically, but the pain will fade. If someone we assume is smarter, more beautiful, skinnier, with better hair, etc. looks in your direction quizzically, the internal army goes to war against our already fragile self-confidence shield. Those holes may never be repaired and we'll never know that the look had nothing to do with us, but perhaps the curiosity of an unpleasant odor produced by a nearby eatery. Why do we allow such self negativity? The things we tell ourself can be so atrocious that we wouldn't say them aloud to our worst enemy.
I believe my self-negativity came from a young age when I was told I was certain things. Or I should say, not certain things. While I was also told positive things about myself, I couldn't get the image of what I'm not out of my head. It completely overshadowed any positive light that tried to seep in. The world is full of negativity and not everyone takes it in so completely. It was the moment I believed I truly was that negative thing they told me I was, that I became it. From there it was an intricate system of dark roots that had been planted inside my brain and grew to taint each area it touched.
27 years later I was introduced to something that changed my world. No one can take your power. Inside all of us is the power of control over every choice we make. While I had allowed that choice to be swayed by the negative roots firmly wrapped around my brain and the wants of others, it was still there. Deep down I had a choice and no one could take that away from me. No one could take that power and make me feel bad about myself. Only I could could do that. With this information in hand, I had a new choice. To allow the dark, twisty roots to grow or to let them bloom. I chose flowers. There are still things I want to work on within myself both mentally and physically, but I'm secure in who I am as a person. We all have the choice.
"Always act like you're wearing an invisible crown"-Author unknown
9.23.2011
9.19.2011
A journey of a 1000miles Starts with a single step
One of the biggest points of relapse prevention that was drilled into our heads is keeping a schedule. I thought I knew what that meant and I thought I was doing just that. I've recently come to the realization that I have been so far off base! My dad got me a beautiful Louis Vuitton day planner and for the last 19months I've been filling it with plans that other people invite me to. Many weeks, I have a hard time finding anything to write in it or add things after the fact. This past week I finally got it through my head that I needed to get back to the gym so this was my first week. It was through this and planning out my gym days that I realized how much I had left my schedule to other people. There were rarely things of my choosing! I don't mean that I didn't want to do any of the things I have been doing, but instead I waited around for people to invite me to do things. I've always been this way, but I hadn't realized how left out my own thoughts were. I think I know what I want and what is best for me. So why mold my life to what everyone else is doing? Perhaps it's time for others to realize that I have things going on as well. I'm determined to make a schedule and stick to it!!
I went to the gym 3 times this past week which I think was a good start for me. I was trying to weasel my way out of it yesterday and my dad did exactly what I asked him to, and he didn't allow me. I really appreciated it and when I got to the gym I worked harder than I had the entire week. I felt so good about myself and accomplished. Even though I needed a little pushing, I was proud that I followed through on something and did it well. I'm also trying to have more resolve on my food choices. It's not that I necessarily make bad food decisions all the time, but it's the quantity. I am the classic boredom eater!! I was watching an interview with a local fitness trainer who is doing an interesting experiment. He's been personal training for a long time and always been in shape. Client's always said to him, "you don't know what it's like {to be overweight}" and they were right. He decided to find out. He's on a mission to stop working out and gain weight, then once he is at a certain weight, he will start the journey to get fit again. Something really interesting is that he said now he craves soda, sweets, carbs, and all the unhealthy things that he never did before. It's encouraging to me that perhaps when I start eating healthier and feeling better that maybe I'll loose my craving for the unhealthier things. The exercise is hard, but the food addictions is what really stunts the process.
I'm just going to keep moving along and do my best to keep my motivation. I have every reason in the world to follow through with this goal!
I went to the gym 3 times this past week which I think was a good start for me. I was trying to weasel my way out of it yesterday and my dad did exactly what I asked him to, and he didn't allow me. I really appreciated it and when I got to the gym I worked harder than I had the entire week. I felt so good about myself and accomplished. Even though I needed a little pushing, I was proud that I followed through on something and did it well. I'm also trying to have more resolve on my food choices. It's not that I necessarily make bad food decisions all the time, but it's the quantity. I am the classic boredom eater!! I was watching an interview with a local fitness trainer who is doing an interesting experiment. He's been personal training for a long time and always been in shape. Client's always said to him, "you don't know what it's like {to be overweight}" and they were right. He decided to find out. He's on a mission to stop working out and gain weight, then once he is at a certain weight, he will start the journey to get fit again. Something really interesting is that he said now he craves soda, sweets, carbs, and all the unhealthy things that he never did before. It's encouraging to me that perhaps when I start eating healthier and feeling better that maybe I'll loose my craving for the unhealthier things. The exercise is hard, but the food addictions is what really stunts the process.
I'm just going to keep moving along and do my best to keep my motivation. I have every reason in the world to follow through with this goal!
9.12.2011
Wrapped in a Bow
I think Disney can be partly to blame and the romantical ending line of "and they lived happily ever after" for my current predicament. As girls we are bombarded with fairy tale princesses and their happy endings, but what happens when the girls grows up and there is no fairy godmother?
From the outside, we must have seemed like a great family. The successful, outgoing father, the tall beautiful mother, the gorgeous maticulate home, the family vacations.... Inside the doors was a slightly different world. All I ever wanted was the type of close knit family that I saw on TV and even in my friend's homes. We would sit down as a family at 6:30pm every night and have an extremely nice meal that my mom had prepared and when it was done, we would scatter to our own sanctuaries.
Now as a single, 28-year-old woman, I have divorced parents, a mother and brother who don't wish to be part of my life because I opted to not pick sides, a steady girlfriend for my dad, a dog, and just over 1 1/2yrs of sobriety. Not exactly the Cleavers, but it works. Deep down I still crave the fictional family I've cultivated in my head and every so often it bubbles over. I'm not sure how to deal with a need that doesn't exist in my reality.
When I was in treatment for my alcoholism, my dad put his life on hold in order to save mine and for that I am eternally grateful. I've always considered myself sort of a "lone wolf" so to speak. I like having my own space, not having to answer to anyone, and basically having things how I want them. That is certainly part of my personality, but maybe I was molded into that because there was never anyone around. During treatment I discovered just how much I loved waking up and having coffee with the girls before the gym, all sitting down and eating together, and even though we were all strangers thrown together for the vast majority of the days, we were a multi-aged, humorous, highly dysfunctional, group of addicts and we were family.
I've always thought I was good with change, but I'm learning and accepting that I'm not. I cling to ideas and things that I love and struggle to let that go. The people I was once so close with in treatment have all relapsed or moved on with their lives. I've moved on with my life as well, but with my abandonment issues, it feels like another loss. My dad is busy with work, travel, new family, and as a father, he feels that by helping me with things/providing he is showing his love. Which he is, but without a mother I feel really alone. It's not fair to ask, but how can I get everything I need from two parents from just one? No matter how old we get, we still need family.
From the outside, we must have seemed like a great family. The successful, outgoing father, the tall beautiful mother, the gorgeous maticulate home, the family vacations.... Inside the doors was a slightly different world. All I ever wanted was the type of close knit family that I saw on TV and even in my friend's homes. We would sit down as a family at 6:30pm every night and have an extremely nice meal that my mom had prepared and when it was done, we would scatter to our own sanctuaries.
Now as a single, 28-year-old woman, I have divorced parents, a mother and brother who don't wish to be part of my life because I opted to not pick sides, a steady girlfriend for my dad, a dog, and just over 1 1/2yrs of sobriety. Not exactly the Cleavers, but it works. Deep down I still crave the fictional family I've cultivated in my head and every so often it bubbles over. I'm not sure how to deal with a need that doesn't exist in my reality.
When I was in treatment for my alcoholism, my dad put his life on hold in order to save mine and for that I am eternally grateful. I've always considered myself sort of a "lone wolf" so to speak. I like having my own space, not having to answer to anyone, and basically having things how I want them. That is certainly part of my personality, but maybe I was molded into that because there was never anyone around. During treatment I discovered just how much I loved waking up and having coffee with the girls before the gym, all sitting down and eating together, and even though we were all strangers thrown together for the vast majority of the days, we were a multi-aged, humorous, highly dysfunctional, group of addicts and we were family.
I've always thought I was good with change, but I'm learning and accepting that I'm not. I cling to ideas and things that I love and struggle to let that go. The people I was once so close with in treatment have all relapsed or moved on with their lives. I've moved on with my life as well, but with my abandonment issues, it feels like another loss. My dad is busy with work, travel, new family, and as a father, he feels that by helping me with things/providing he is showing his love. Which he is, but without a mother I feel really alone. It's not fair to ask, but how can I get everything I need from two parents from just one? No matter how old we get, we still need family.
9.05.2011
Labor Day Weekend
I didn't really have any big plans for the 3 day weekend, but it turned out being a really great weekend! Saturday I journeyed up to Swiss days in Midway, Utah with my friend, her fiance, and his daughter. We had never been so it was quite the experience! There were so many people and booths that it was nearly impossible to see everything in one day. There were some really fun booths and I found some fun things for my house. It was so nice to be out of the city and the air just seems fresher up there!
Sunday I spent the afternoon with my dad in Park City. We took the Tesla for a little joy ride in the canyon, had some lunch, walked around both PC, the Canyons, and the Outlets before heading home. It was another really nice day to be outside and besides some of the questionable driving maneuvers, it was fun to be with my dad.
Today I met up with my other really good friend and we went to Tai Pan trading and looked at all of their fun Halloween decorations. We are both really excited for fall and love Halloween. After we went to Gardner Village which has always been one of my favorite places. Only in Utah can an ex-polygamist farm be transformed into such a quaint shopping area! lol they don't have their Halloween decorations up yet, but it was still a lot of fun to go through everything and have some lunch at Archibald's.
In between all of the fun stuff, I was able to get a lot of cleaning done around my house. While I love organization in my work life, I have to really fight my tendencies to be messy at home. For Christmas I've asked my dad to help me get new bedroom furniture so I really want to clean and purge my belongings now to get ready. I've been searching for a fun unique bedding which I found this weekend. I'm so excited to start putting everything together. Interior design is such a passion of mine!!
Sunday I spent the afternoon with my dad in Park City. We took the Tesla for a little joy ride in the canyon, had some lunch, walked around both PC, the Canyons, and the Outlets before heading home. It was another really nice day to be outside and besides some of the questionable driving maneuvers, it was fun to be with my dad.
(*ROOT BEER*)
Today I met up with my other really good friend and we went to Tai Pan trading and looked at all of their fun Halloween decorations. We are both really excited for fall and love Halloween. After we went to Gardner Village which has always been one of my favorite places. Only in Utah can an ex-polygamist farm be transformed into such a quaint shopping area! lol they don't have their Halloween decorations up yet, but it was still a lot of fun to go through everything and have some lunch at Archibald's.
In between all of the fun stuff, I was able to get a lot of cleaning done around my house. While I love organization in my work life, I have to really fight my tendencies to be messy at home. For Christmas I've asked my dad to help me get new bedroom furniture so I really want to clean and purge my belongings now to get ready. I've been searching for a fun unique bedding which I found this weekend. I'm so excited to start putting everything together. Interior design is such a passion of mine!!
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