Dreams, Movies, & Heat Stroke

I was really excited at the prospect of dinner and miniature golfing Friday night, but the latter plans were postponed until further notice.  Growing up I was taught about the importance and courtesy of being on time.  Throughout life I've always been around people who don't share the same principals in that respect and while it can be annoying, it wasn't a huge deal.  I was having some wardrobe issues and running late to meet the family for dinner and I had a full blown anxiety attack over being late!  I was literally shaking and my heart was beating a million miles.  I didn't know my courtesy of timeliness had morphed into something so much more.  It was such an awful feeling and I was flabbergasted that something that intense was brought on by timeliness!!  I need to figure out how to deal with that better in the future.  Or just never be late! lol

Friday night I ended up having a pretty intense drinking dream.  For me, these types of dreams always involve me taking my first drink after an extended length of sobriety.  I woke up with an intense feeling of guilt and the involuntary desire for a glass of wine.  I'm a huge believer in intuition and things happening for a reason.  As I was wading through the aftermath of a relapse dream, my cell rang and on the other end was one of my best friends inviting me to breakfast.  She's busy allot so I don't see her a ton.  The fact that she called at that moment was a true gift from my higher power.  I met up with my other best friend a little later Saturday for a movie.  These two girls are the most amazing, special, women that anyone could ever know.  I am truly blessed to call them friends.

I went to the meeting with my friend Sunday morning.  He's pretty much comatose on the meds, but that is better than the alternative.  Hopefully the right combination will make things more manageable and he will be able to hold strong.  I dropped him off at his house after and his mom wanted to chat with me.  She was so excited to see me which was unexpected.  I'd never really had much interaction with her.  She thanked me for going to the meeting with him.  I think she knows that I'm the only stable person that he's hung out with in a long time.  Perhaps ever.  It makes me feel bad because I know that I will still be holding my boundary with him.

At home, my air conditioning has been struggling and Sunday it decided to throw in the white towel.  There was nowhere to find relief from the sweltering heat!  The open windows and doors simply mixed the hotter air with the slightly cooler air inside and the 2 ceiling fans swirled them together creating a nice sweat lodge affect. Poor Zoe could barely do anything without stopping to lay down.  At 10:15pm the house was still a sweltering 85 degrees!!!  At my dad's suggestion, I packed up the pup and went to have a sleepover at Casa De Crane.  Zoe and I reveled in the coolness of the basement room that had been her first home.  It was actually really nice being there.  In a way, it felt like home.  It was so nice to wake up and talk to dad for a few minuets before he left for the gym and have some coffee.  Zoe's spending the day there and I'll go pick her up on my way home from work.  It will be nice for her to have a change of scenery. She also loves it at Grandpa's House!!  

           Zoe w/Grandpa the day I brought her home

A Helping Hand

I received an email from a friend this morning and I'm slightly torn about it.  Although we are in contact through email, I've had to keep a solid boundary with him which excludes personal contact.  I think he has a good heart, but he can't or won't conquer his addiction.  He's been in and out of jail and rehab for the last 6-7yrs and yet I think he feels that he knows best.  Everytime he gets out of one of these places, he doesn't change his environment which ultimately leads him back into his drug of choice.  As an alcoholic myself, I understand the complete consumption of addiction and the need to slip away from your reality. As a recovering alcoholic, I understand the unbalanced tightrope that can be walked between the two worlds.

I just passed my 18mo sobriety date and I am honestly and completely grateful for my second chance.  Since my stay in rehab, I've often thought about becoming an addiction counselor or something in that field to help others the way I was helped.  I wouldn't even know where to begin or if I would be any good though.  I can't express how badly I want to give other addicts, my fellow rehabers, what I have now.  It breaks my heart to watch people go back out.  Out of all the people I got to know personally and all the people I saw briefly during my stay in treatment, only 5 (including me) have made it to a year and 1 has passed away. 

Life isn't perfect. Abstaining from something that mentally brought me such comfort and companionship and ultimately destruction, didn't make all my problems go away.  In fact, every issue that drove me to drink is still there, but I meet them in battle head on.  My friend asked me to take him to a meeting this Sunday.  I don't want him to think that I've changed my mind about hanging out with him, but I can't deny someone asking for help.  That may sound incredibly insensitive to not want to hang out with someone who's having problems, after all, being around someone sober could really help him.  Every addict must make a pivotal choice when looking at the road to recovery....Am I willing to lose the most important thing to me in order to be sober?  For me, that was friendships. I had to go through incredible loneliness as the result of protecting my sobriety.  I walked away from people that I truly believed at the time were my friends.  I didn't know what a true friend was until I shed everything to my core and still had two people standing by me. 

I personally haven't been to a meeting in a long time, but I will take him and hope he finds something there.  It is such an accepting community and no matter how many times you make your mistakes, you will always be welcomed back.

Who Am I?

The meeting with my superior was quick and painless.  She graciously allowed me to have a say in the direction of my position and we came up with an option that all of us are satisfied with.  The new work duties won't officially begin until January 03, 2012, but a huge amount of relief has washed over me.  I do my best to be flexible and yet in the end I can't change who I am.  The person I am loves having a plan.

I can't change who I am.... That is certainly something I have fought all my life to the point of complete destruction.  I've always wanted to be the person who others wanted to be around.  In my mind, that meant being outgoing, spontaneous, carefree, and sometimes a little loud and rowdy.  I'm none of these things.  Yet I fought so completely against my own nature in order to be this, in the end I was someone no one knew.  I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere between my self doubt and the confidence inducing elixir produced by Budweiser,  my true self became entangled in thorns that no one could touch.

I'm quiet. I prefer to watch and calculate my thoughts before speaking. I worry about what others think, but do my best to not let it consume me. All of my insecurities are physical and I struggle with it daily. I would rather not say anything than speak something untrue. I can be judgemental which I don't like about myself. I can't stand being late or waiting for others who are late. I truly believe that my dog is cuter than any other canine.  I like having nice things, but don't expect them. I fear that in the end, everyone will leave me.   

I accept all of my imperfections because without them, I wouldn't be me. 

Professional Woe's

Change is inevitable and necessary after a length of time in the same job.  I've been with my company nearly 7 years and in that time I began with on-the-job training and found myself working in the physician clinics.  It wasn't always easy, in fact most of the time it was long hours, no breaks, phone calls, and huge amounts of patients, but I had made it my own. I loved the interaction with not only patients, but my other co-workers and physicians. 

I was trained by the most amazing woman, Sheryl (RIP), who over the years became more of a second mom to me.  She taught me how to do things right and not take the easy way.  It was challenging and although the job was the same, there were aspects that constantly changed and kept me on my toes.  I was good at my job and very confident in my ability.  That was probably the reason one of my physicians asked me to apply for his secretarial position.  I didn't know anything about that job and I was even more terrified of leaving all of the people I had created bonds with, most importantly Sheryl.  At the time, she was undergoing a procedure which required a lengthy stay in the hospital.  We had made a promise to each other that if one of us moved to a different position, we both would or not at all.  She passed before I had the opportunity to talk to her.

As a secretary I was no longer confident in my position and pushed back to ground zero.  The previous secretary had moved to a different position outside of our company, but the women of the 5th floor were generous in their understanding and help.  Over the years things continued to climb and I once again became stable in my knowledge and ability of the job.  With the coming and going of different physicians, I had the opportunity to dive into new areas and expand my horizons professionally.  Today, I am on the verge of another move that could raise my experience or leave much to be desired.

With the recent vacancy of one of my physicians, I have been sailing through the days with not much on my plate.  As the months continued there was still no decision of what to do with me and my nerves (as well as my boredom) was becoming overwhelming.  The options that had been laid before me were not so appealing and wouldn't take me to that next level.  I need to feel that challenge again.  That fear of the unknown and the ability to take something and make it my own.  My job complacency has left a void of accomplishment that is long overdue... 20 more minuets and my fate shall be unveiled to me....